Well, hello there.

I haven’t blogged in a while. Maybe it’s the papers upon papers or the lab reports that have keep me away.. or maybe it’s me trying to keep me away from myself. And writing is a part of me.. a big part of it. Have you ever hit the point in your life when you lose yourself? That your so focused on finding out who you are supposed to be that you stray away from who you are? Yeah, that’s me. It’s a work in process. Which really becoming you is always a work in process. Day by day we become different people.. sometimes it’s okay and then there are other times when it is not. Where do you draw the line between growing up and staying true to who you have always been? I think we as humans have the problem with other people. Always wondering what people think. We say we don’t, but in reality we do. I have learned through this stage of becoming who you are.. people will talk. People will really talk.. and you have to learn to let people talk. Because in the end.. God and YOU are who know you best.. not the people in the halls. Do you know how easy it is to hide some of the biggest parts of your life for years? It’s easy.. it’s easy to be someone else to everyone. What’s hard is dealing with you being you inside of yourself. So that’s where I am.. ignoring people, enjoying the wonderful people who have been or have become a huge part of my life, and finding out who I am and who I am supposed to be. If you’re there.. you’re not the only one. I’m not the fourteen year old walking into high school for my first year anymore.. but who am I? Who are you?

My year in a few sentences.

As 2010 came to a close, I used a lot of that time to reflect, to reminisce. The good, the bad, the worse and the greater moments all flashed into my head.

The biggest part of my year? My family. My family fell to pieces and in a few short months, glued itself back together to create a newer stronger image. I rebuilt relationships that I thought had burned to nothing. We have endured things together, not on our own but together. I couldn't ask for a better miracle that I know God made happen. It was our trust in him that put things how they are supposed to be.

The hardest part of my year? I lost two people who were very dear to me in 2010. I had finally realized that fixing that hurt wasn't quite like how my family came back together. As their memories come into my head.. I smile, with happiness that I got to know two such great people. I smile knowing that again someday I will embrace them in heaven. I smile knowing that they have touched and changed me. I smile knowing that they are alive in my heart. I smile knowing that I am happy to remember their memory but I smile, with a little bit hurt because yes, I am human. But I still smile.

The part of my year that was most unexpected? I damaged a few relationships sometime this year, I made a few mistakes and I picked a few wrong roads to travel down. But none of this was done with regret. All of this is now apart of me and I have great memories from. Even if these were memories from a week or two months.. they are good memories. I learned a lot about myself in these situations. I learned that when things come back in your life, its for a reason and when things leave, its for a reason. I took a chance with a lot of things I did but these things taught me that I should always hope for the best and absolutely expect the worst.

The things that happened in 2010 that will continue to follow me into the rest of my years? As I said, the rehabilitation of my family. And to add to that, the relationship that I have built with other people. Wether its from Teacher Cadet, the two idiots [I say that with love] who sit beside me in Civics, or even the people in my Spanish class..I have met so many people and continued to grow friendships with those who I already knew.

2010 went out with a bang with the people I most love. I sat around the room looking at everyone smiling, laughing and I couldn't thank God more for the people who he has placed me around. And I end with saying, I hope 2011 can bring more unhappiness for me to grow strength with, great memories with the ones I love the most, plenty of pictures to look back on, building new relationships, repairing old relationships and enjoying the people around me that I love and all of this while I am walking through life with the love and guidance from my God.

Those little things.

Have you ever counted how many little things that you pay no mind to everyday? The littlest things can mean so much and a lot of the time we just let them pass by. If you really just stop and look at life, you will see all these things, all these things that matter so much and make the greatest difference. Pay more attention and take in those small things because one day they will mean everything, one day they will become the biggest things.

I'm thankful.

Since I was a little girl I would always say “I’m thankful for my family” and this phrase has never been so real for me this year. After the things I [we] have had to endure, our family will never be the same. This is the first year that my family of five [and my lovely boyfriend] gathered at our OWN table in MY house. This was crazy for me!?! Since I can remember I have spent my entire thanksgiving day going from one grandparents house to another. At this time of any other year, I would barely be able to walk and sitting on my granny’s couch [don’t get me wrong, sitting on my couch with a blanket and watching Chris play the xbox isnt the worst thing] but its not the normal for me. Its something I never thought would happen. But that faces me to the reality of life, change. My family has went through tough things here lately and maybe things didn’t go back to normal [which is a good thing in most ways] but I have something to call family wether we are together under the same roof or not. Some people don’t even get that. I’m thankful for my family wether they realize it now or not, im also thankful that I sleep in my bed again at night and I am not in my household again. I have never been more thankful for something in my life. It took me having to go through pain and tears but the reality is..it showed me how truly blessed I am.

My friends, where would I be without my friends? When it comes to them.. i’m thankful for.. Allyson. The fact that she is the only one who I have not had conflict with that tore us apart. All of our traditions that mean so much to me. That no matter what she is here to listen and to say something that is so true and really be here for me. The great times I get to have with her family, especially her mother. How she is different from the normal teenager who is boy crazy.. she would rather not deal with stupid people and stupid things. She is never afraid to speak her opinion when most people wouldn’t dare to ever think some things. Jessica. The way we can understand each other. The way that we have been through so many similar things and been there every step of the way. The way she is also here for me no matter what. We have been through a lot but always seem to come out of it together. The way that she makes an impact in my everyday life and how I would be lost if she wasn’t there anymore. Brandi. The fact that she has gone from a girl in middle school who I didn’t care much for to a girl who means the world to me. I love how I get to share cheerleading with her. The way her house smells and is decorated. The fact that I have had many special nights with people in her house. How her mom buys me Wendy’s. How she sleeps in so late and I always wake her up. How she has always been here for me as well. It’s the little things in life that mean so much to me. With these three girls the littlest things have become the biggest to me. The reason I would get through most days. Then little things like.. Andrew and Sean in first period and the way that they actually seem to care about me, my Teacher Cadet class and the way we are all getting close, my conversations with Lindsey and how she truly helps me and was my go to girl for all my family stuff, my cheerleading team that I coach at Cape Fear...those girls honestly have become my passion and I enjoy every second with the, the teachers who have had the greatest influence on me, my youth pastor and the wise things he says, the way that Trevor always listens to me complain and will tell me something so bluntly..and all the other little things that have become my everything.

Christopher Joesph Craven is another person that I have so many reasons to be thankful for. Someone who has been here since the first day he met me. To listen to me complain, laugh with me, and cry with me. He has been here to forgive me and understand me. To push me through everyday and to never let me down. He has made mistakes, yes. But mistakes that he is truly sorry for. He lifts me up when im down and catches me when I fall. He has become my best friend not just my boyfriend. He has become apart of me in the short sixth months that he has been here. Wherever we stand in the future.. I know one thing for sure..we will stand together.. dating or not I know Chris will always be here for me and for him, I am very thankful.

I pass this guy in my everyday life, I say hello and I smile. I may even ask how his day is and what his plans are for the weekend. He has sat with me in church once and since then he will speak to me everyday. He texted me tonight saying, “Your the only nice person in Trask”. What does that say about people and the way they treat others? What does that say about our school? At this moment.. it all hit me. Everything that I have to be thankful for. I am thankful that I have been gifted with this life where I have everything that a girl needs to get through it. Where I have dreams and goals. Where I have people who love me and people who hate me. That I have compassion and I care about everyone which is the reason I had an effect on this boy. I have a life. A life, just that is worth being thankful for.

More importantly then anything on this blog, I have a God who loves me. A God of second chance. The father who put me here and has given me life. No matter how many times I mess up, he will be here. He loves us all and that, that is everything in this world that I need to be thankful for because without my God, I would be nothing and I wouldn’t have any of the things I listed above.. I would truly be nothing.

...and for all of this, I am thankful.

The will to keep going.

I have always been one of those girls to analyze everything. I’m that girl that sits down with a pro and con list and makes decisions. But when I really step back and look at everything..a pro and con list is not going to do much for me. My life has changed dramatically over the past month and nothing could have told me that, no list would help. I decided it was time just to enjoy life. Not to worry about the outcomes or anything. And where did that get me? You don’t wanna know. So after all of this talking in my head and trying to figure out life.. I decided on one thing... “When you're down to nothing, God is up to something. The faithful see the invisible, believe the incredible and then receive the impossible.” My opinion is God shows you bad to teach you good. He is in my heart and no matter what happens I know he is here. “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” When the tears begin to fall down my face, I say that to myself. I say that because I believe it and I believe it with passion. I have had some crappy things happen to me with family and relationships but in time..it has all been fixed and the new occurrences will be too. When your having that day when the world seems to be falling apart, say this to yourself.. know that everything is going to be okay, you have him walking beside you. I have had to deal with a lot of trust issues lately. Wether it be with myself or someone else. We all have a hard time trusting things, for many reasons. And when you begin to shut everything out because of these issues remember that “I trust life not because I trust the world, but because I trust the God who lives in my heart.” That’s what every person needs to live by. That is your answer to all of the trust issues you may have. Nothing or nobody is going to be perfect. Life is going to be amazing one week and crappy the next. Your going to gain wonderful people and then lose some. Your going to have to make difficult decisions and the chances of the outcomes being horrible are likely. But remember there is a plan. Whats hurting you today may not be hurting you tomorrow. Make decisions remembering those three quotes. “What you are today is because of the decisions you made yesterday.”

Deciding the Undecidable...

Have you ever notice life is full of decisions? They are everywhere. All the way from what you’re going to eat for lunch to what you want your profession to be someday. There is hardly anything you can do in life without making a decision about it. I have come to some of the hardest decisions to make and I have decided that no way you take will come out perfect. The only thing that matters is whatever you do; you enjoy it and put all of your heart into it. Take a deep breath and just walk. Wherever you end up in the end is where you’re supposed to be. Notice those leaves falling and the laughter in the halls…Notice every little detail. Don’t be worried about what tomorrow will bring, enjoy today. I did that last week, I enjoyed every day and now I have a whole lot of memories that will always be amazing. We often spend too much time worrying about the whole day that when you get to the end of it and you have time to think…you realize how quick it went. If you keep on that road, in a blink of an eye…a whole year will go by like that. Enjoy those relationships with the people you love. Enjoy those time with friends. Take it all in. One day some of it won’t be there.

Bring on the rain..

Not everything is perfect. Not everything will go the way you want it to. You wont get everything you want and sometimes barely enough of the stuff you need. You will fail. You will hurt. But if you understand that nothing is perfect, that if things go another way then you wanted then maybe it was for a good reason, getting your needs and not your wants will teach you something, your failure will add to your success and your hurt will give you a reason to be happy. Love life. Live life. Dont try to learn life, just enjoy. Take in those moments you cant put into words. Take pictures to capture the memories you never wanna forget. Learn from your mistakes. Always know that in the end, everything will be okay. Cry and laugh. Take in the sun and dance in the rain. Get angry and upset, show that your alive. Go into something hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Enjoy every moment because in a moment everything can change.